


The Spare's Mother.

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Series: The Emperor's Brother [2]
Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Related, Alternate Universe - Twins, Long Lost/Secret Relatives, Time Period: Reign of Ezar Vorbarra, Time Period: Reign of Gregor Vorbarra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:13:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24151870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: Alys knows what she's agreeing to.
Relationships: Alys Vorpatril/Padma Vorpatril, Kareen Vorbarra & Alys Vorpatril
Series: The Emperor's Brother [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742890
Comments: 10
Kudos: 76





	The Spare's Mother.

1.

Alys knows what she's agreeing to. She knows what it'll mean to have a baby that she calls her own with no husband by her side. She knows what will happen to her. She knows it's irreversible. 

She agrees to it anyway. 

Kareen wouldn't ask if it weren't absolutely necessary. Alys knows that if she doesn't agree to it, then Kareen will find someone else. And maybe that someone else won't be good enough. Maybe that someone else will make a mistake. Maybe that someone else will endanger Kareen. Alys can't let that happen. Alys could never refuse to save Kareen. Too many already have; Alys will never be one of them.

Alys gives Kareen her oath with all the fervor of a Count committing treason.

2.

The first step is pretending she's pregnant. If Alys can't do this part, she can't do any of this.

To pretend she's pregnant, she has to disappear. Lucille Vorparadijs from school tells everyone that Alys has gone with her to the coast; Lucille had eyed Alys's stomach and her strategically-arranged dress and agreed without question. The loyalty of girls who have hidden from Madame Vorfolse together cannot be underestimated. Lucille is the best liar Alys knows, and once Alys is known to have a baby, everyone will understand why Lucille lied for her. The story only needs to be good enough for five months. That's barely any time at all. In five months, Alys will be a mother.

Instead of the coast, Alys goes to a spa town in Folsworthy Valley. It's well-used by daughters of prominent prole families who need to outrun a scandal; no one there will recognize her. She can't hide that she isn't pregnant for five months straight, so she isn't going to. Instead, she hides herself. Instead, she enjoys the town and does her best to prepare. She listens to the old women talk about their children and asks questions she never would have before. She's no one here, there's no shame in asking everything she needs to know. She's merely another young girl who got caught up in something her family didn't like and is being sent to the country to atone. She'll leave as abruptly as she came, a flighty girl like all the others, and forgotten just as quickly.

Her parents send intermittent letters asking how the coast is, if Lucille has found enough seashells for her art projects yet, and Alys replies dutifully, doing her best not to lie too badly. Kareen had been confident that Alys won't be rejected by her parents after showing up with a baby they hadn't known about. Alys is less confident. But Alys knew that she might be giving up every tie to family and friends. It's not too much to give up for Kareen's peace of mind. Kareen is terrified of her husband and for good reason. If Alys can keep one of her children safe, then she'll give up whatever she needs to. Alys is Vor and she serves her lady.

And then, far too soon, it's time. 

3.

Alys has been preparing. It means that when the midwife's assistant accompanies her to the bottom of the hidden passage out of Vorinnis House, Alys already has everything she needs. Miss Laroche arranges Ivan in a sling across Alys's chest, gives her whatever last minute items Kareen decided to send off with her second son, and then Alys is out into the early dawn hours, dressed as no one important, carrying a baby who is also not important. Alys finds her groundcar exactly where she left it. Within four hours, she is in another District. She drives for ten hours, stopping only to feed Ivan, who is too young to know that fleeing for your life is not all there is to life.

Her eventual goal is the manor in Southdale. There's no one there but the caretakers this time of year and no one is expecting her there. Alys spends the nights anonymously in hotels, with only a sleeping Ivan to see her fretting as she paces. She has strict instructions from the midwife. She has a month of supplies in the groundcar. She knows what to do. She doesn't know what to do. This is worse than going to war. In war, she'd have a commander. In war, she'd have soldiers. Here, she only has her word to Kareen and a bundle in her arms that is Kareen's child. She has a duty she is sworn to. How she fulfills it is up to her. And she cannot fail.

Maybe she shouldn't go home. Maybe she should keep running. But she has to show up with a newborn. It'd be so much worse if she waits until Ivan's older to show him to her parents. That would bring up even more questions. Ivan has to be unquestionably hers in a way that everyone will understand. If she has an older child, he could be anyone. If she shows up with a baby, he can't be anything but hers. And Alys can't have anyone thinking that Ivan is anything but hers. Because he is hers. Kareen made him hers.

Ten days after Ivan's birth, Alys finally decides she's waited long enough. She drives up to the manor house and breathes deeply. Once she does this, she can't go back. Once she does this, she is always an unmarried mother.

There is a minor uproar. Her parents arrive the next afternoon. "This is Ivan," Alys says to them.

Alys's parents exchange the kind of parental look that Alys knows very well. "And who is Ivan?" Alys's mother asks delicately.

"Absolutely no one," Alys lies. It's that or call him her son. And he is her son. He's been her son from the moment he was given to her. But she won't say it to her parents. Not right now. If Alys had gotten herself pregnant and had a bastard, she wouldn't be so eager to announce it. Alys can't treat this as anything other than what it must seem to be. She has to act like she was dishonored. She has to act like she chose to hide this. She has to act like she has only now decided to come home. She has to act like she has spent nine months worrying over her parents's reaction, not merely five.

Alys's mother holds her arms out for the baby and Alys, fighting back her instinctive protective hesitation, hands him over. Alys's mother fiddles with the swaddling, adjusting as necessary, and then brushes her fingers through Ivan's wisps of dark hair. "He looks like my grandfather," she says and Alys sags in relief.

"Does he?" Alys's father asks with evident curiosity. He peaks over Alys's mother's shoulder. "You're right, exactly like him. Remarkable." Then he looks at Alys and gives her a wink. Alys slowly unclenches her fists, finger by finger. "How are you feeling, my dear?" he asks her.

Alys has a momentary panic. "Um. Perfectly fine, sir." How is Kareen right now? Undoubtedly exhausted. How old can Alys pretend Ivan is? She can't pretend Ivan is older than Gregor, can she? No, no, he's the younger son, Alys would only confuse herself if she tried to make him older. "He was born last week," Alys says and pulls a date off the top of her head. There. That can't be too bad. Her parents will have been celebrating Gregor's birth with the Count. For Alys to have secretly given birth a few days later, of course they couldn't have known. They were too busy. They were distracted. They thought Alys was on the coast with Lucille. And now they'll think she was hiding somewhere with a midwife, which she was. If Alys is careful enough and distracts her parents too much, they won't think to have anyone examine her, so long as she shows herself as fully recovered. It's peacetime, so there's time for weakness, but her grandmothers had both given birth during the war, so her mother won't think anything amiss if Alys never complains.

She can see them rewinding the months in their heads, but it's in her favor. Ivan would have been conceived around Winterfair, or just after. There would be so many possibilities of how it could have happened. There would be so many reasons Alys would have kept this from her parents. Let them think what they want to think. They will anyway. There's nothing she can say that will convince them that this isn't their greatest fear. She needs them to think it's their greatest fear. They won't want to confront the truth that they didn't protect her. She can slide around their fears and let Ivan survive in the cracks they form.

And it works. As the weeks go by, as Alys determinedly stays close to home, she can see their assumptions crystallize. Who wouldn't she name as the father? Who could she be scared of? There are many options, but one stands stark and alone. She's always been so close with Kareen, they know. And Serg wanders. He wouldn't have to wander far to find Alys, always in Kareen's orbit.

Alys furtively sends baby pictures to Kareen and gets them in exchange. The boys look alike. They don't look identical. But maybe that's just Alys, seeing Ivan every day, knowing his face perfectly. She holds her breath when she sees her parents after they visit Gregor, but they don't mention anything amiss. But would they? They think Ivan is Serg's son. And they're right about that. Any resemblance to Serg's acknowledged son, who is the same age as Ivan-- Alys knows her parents. Alys loves her parents. Her parents are acting like she's made of glass and will break the moment they mention anything to do with politics. If they think Ivan unduly resembles the new prince, they won't say anything to her.

But they might say it to other people. Alys would ask her sisters, but they're both so young, she won't hurt them with this. No one in the family knows how to handle this. Her parents are treating it like the shameful secret it is. Her sisters are interested in having a nephew, but are taking their cues from the scandal and don't know how to act. Her cousins-- well, she hasn't heard from many of them. Lucille visits Ivan and brings baby presents. Three other girls from school come, too. No one else even sends her a letter.

And so Alys stays hidden in the district with her son. And if this is how the rest of her life goes, that's the decision she made and, watching Ivan grow and learn, it's the decision she would always make again.

3.

Padma Vorpatril is a complication that Alys didn't expect.

The kind of attention she's gotten from men has changed drastically since she's had a son. They're harder to rebuff than before, but Alys also goes out less. Her social circle is comprised mostly of family that hasn't rejected her and the few school friends who make a point of not rejecting her. It's not as large as it used to be. Her uncle-the-count and her aunt-the-countess will have nothing to do with her.

She's seen Padma here and there over the years, but nothing's ever come of it, until the day something does. It grows slowly. He can't marry her, not with Alys as the mother of a child widely considered to be Serg's son. Padma wants to duck Serg's attention, not court it by taking up with a woman that, everyone knows, Serg used and discarded. But Vorpatril is honorable enough to ask for nothing more than her company. He isn't like the men who think that because she spread her legs for the Crown Prince that she'll do it for him, too.

Every time Alys thinks of actually sleeping with Serg, her stomach turns. She's heard too much from Kareen. She's grateful to never experience it herself.

She's slowly gained a collection of other women Serg has disgraced. It comes in a sidelong glance, in a hand against her arm, in a gentle meander to a dark corner, leading to a shamed whisper of details that Alys has heard so many times. It comes with sympathy that Alys doesn't expect, doesn't deserve. Everyone remarks on how Alys looks so much like Kareen, with so much underlying that comparison. What must the Princess have thought when Alys told her, they want to know.

But Padma never asks. Padma thinks that Alys slept with Serg and never, ever asks.

And then the day comes that Serg is dead and Padma asks her to marry him and let him adopt Ivan.

She instinctively refuses him. Absolutely not. She likes him. She thinks she could grow to love him, given time. But first and foremost, there's Ivan, and she won't bargain for his safety with Prince Xav's grandson. Ivan is a nobody, a bastard son of a dead prince. Ivan is only somebody if Gregor isn't there anymore. There's nothing Padma can want with Ivan that isn't a nightmare waiting to happen.

Was all of this a game of strategy to Padma? Was all of this him biding his time, growing closer to her to have access to her son? No, no, that can't be right. What could Padma Vorpatril need from a bastard son that he couldn't do with a legitimate son? Padma has his own claim to the Imperium. He doesn't need to take Ivan's. If he thought for a moment that Ivan _wasn't_ a bastard, then this being a ruse would make sense. But Padma doesn't know. Nobody knows.

If Padma were going to use this opportunity to make a play for the Imperium, he should be proposing to Alys's cousin instead. Marrying Kareen would cement his claim and give him access to Serg's _legitimate son_. Alys wouldn't be involved in this at all. So it can't be that.

Padma doesn't know. Padma can't know. Padma likely thinks he's solving two problems at once. He's finally able to marry the woman he wants to marry, and by doing so, he's trying to make it clear that he will continue being a non-entity in Vorbarr Sultana politics. Under normal circumstances, marrying an unmarried mother and adopting a bastard would be more than enough scandal to keep him out of consideration.

But these are not normal circumstances and Ivan's birth is not that of a usual Vor bastard. Padma wouldn't be adopting a bastard son, he'd be taking in Serg's bastard.

Alys needs to talk to Kareen. She needs to talk to Kareen right now.

She hasn't seen Kareen in nearly five years. It was much too risky while Serg was alive. It's only slightly less risky now. But the Vor don't lack for cousins who could pass as brothers; Ivan's resemblance to Gregor would be remarkable but not too suspicious. It's yet more fuel to the certainty that Serg was Ivan's father. But there's no risk now of Serg finding out. There's no risk now of Serg denying paternity. There's no risk now of Serg making it worse. They aren't safe, but they're safer than they were.

Alys sends a message to Kareen asking to come visit. And then she hopes.

4.

Alys lasts out the Pretendership in the district, holding Ivan whenever he allows it, reminding herself that bastards aren't Imperial claimants unless they have an army at their backs. Vordarian has no reason to come after Ivan. The Lord Regent will keep Gregor safe. And if Vorkosigan doesn't, and if Kareen dies, and if Gregor dies, then this was what Kareen's plans were for. This was what Kareen had given up Ivan for. They had made sure Ivan could survive a coup while Gregor and Kareen might not.

Alys was charged to keep Kareen's son alive, because Kareen can't. Alys won't fail. No matter the outcome of this coup, Alys will keep Kareen's son safe.

What Alys might do after that would depend entirely on politics. If Ivan were older, if Alys wanted to maneuver Ivan into his birthright, there would be the testimony of the midwife along with blood tests to confirm Ivan's legitimacy. It would be only the truth to say that Kareen gave Ivan to Alys for safekeeping in case the worst happened. If Alys wanted to put Ivan forward as a claimant, she could.

But if she didn't, if she merely kept Ivan safe, she could do that, too. She had promised Kareen to save her son; Kareen had never asked her to maintain Ivan's birthright. Kareen's opinion of the Imperium was that it was a noose to kill her children; she wouldn't thank Alys for prioritizing Ivan's claim ahead of his life.

And there's another matter, that of Padma Vorpatril. If the Lord Regent doesn't keep Gregor safe, if Vorkosigan takes this as his opportunity, Alys decides that she won't go through with her wedding to his cousin. Yes, a Vorkosigan Emperor isn't any different to Ivan than a Vordarian Emperor, but Alys doesn't have to bring herself into Prince Xav's family. She doesn't have to make Ivan grow up with usurpers. She doesn't have to make Ivan grow up around the man who murdered his twin brother. She can keep him safe in the district. She can fulfill Kareen's request.

But the Pretendership passes. Kareen is safe. Gregor is safe.

And so Alys marries Padma Vorpatril.

5.

Padma Vorpatril is a good man. Padma Vorpatril is an honorable man. Padma Vorpatril is a man with a salic claim on the Imperium who is raising Serg's son as his own.

Alys uses the pills to make sure she only gives him daughters.

6.

Kareen's been crying.

They'd decided to tell the boys on their respective birthdays. Kareen would tell Gregor first and the clock would then begin ticking. If Gregor took it poorly, if the Emperor decided that Ivan shouldn't know, then Alys would keep her silence. But if Alys didn't hear from either of them, she would tell Ivan. Alys can't imagine that Gregor would decide that Ivan shouldn't know. They've been so careful that Gregor would see Ivan as a friend, not as a threat.

Kareen had told Gregor on the night of the Birthday, after the Emperor had retired from the ball. Alys had watched Kareen anxiously all night, but Kareen had kept her composure. If she had been nervous about telling Gregor the truth, it didn't show.

It shows now.

"I knew he would take it badly," Kareen says. And maybe that's true, but from the looks of it, Kareen still hadn't fully expected what did happen.

Alys folds her hand over Kareen's in comfort. "How badly?" she asks.

"For a moment," Kareen says, "he looked exactly like Serg." She takes in a shuddering breath. "And then he didn't anymore. I-- I've never thought of him as Serg's son; he was only ever mine. But-- I never thought I would see Serg in him. I never thought I'd see Serg ever again."

Alys squeezes Kareen's hand. "And Ivan?" she asks. If Gregor is angry, he has two targets. One of them is his mother, the other is his brother. And Alys knows Gregor well enough to know that he would never hurt his mother. Gregor may have reminded Kareen of Serg in that moment, but that spoke more about Serg than about Gregor. Gregor can't help his genetics. But he would never be like his father.

"He wants to acknowledge him fully," Kareen says and Alys, relieved, sinks back into her chair. And then it catches up to her. No, this isn't just Gregor not wanting to reject his brother. If Gregor wants to embrace him fully, that would be an absolute disaster for everyone. Gregor can't do that.

But Gregor absolutely could do that. And if Gregor is angry enough, he won't care that he can't, politically. He'll do it anyway.

"Do you think Ivan will agree to that?" Kareen asks Alys and her eyes are red and tear-stained and Alys would gladly yell at the Emperor on her behalf right now.

"No," Alys says. "Ivan knows better." Ivan's not like Gregor. Gregor may have gotten out from under the cloud of being Serg's son by virtue of being the Emperor, but Ivan's lived his life as Serg's son. Ivan's lived his life as a scandalous secret no one can ever acknowledge. Even learning that he's legitimate won't change the lessons Ivan has learned from his life so far. Ivan knows better than to dip a toe into politics, and the Emperor's brother is a position that is drenched in politics. Ivan knows better.

"I hope so," Kareen says. She fights back a sob and Alys enfolds her in her arms and lets Kareen cry on her shoulder until the tears subside.

"Come away with me," Alys says impulsively. "We'll go to Helaere and walk through the caves and read poetry like we're still in school. They're doing The Tempest in the amphitheater this season and I know you've always wanted to see Yulia Hargrave play Prospero. We won't come back until it starts snowing."

"I can't," Kareen says, sounding truly regretful. "There's the General Staff dinner next week. Gregor needs me."

Alys is tempted to tell Kareen to have Cordelia do it. The Regency is over, yes, but that's no reason why Lady Vorkosigan can't keep stepping in as Gregor's hostess as needed. But not the week after the Regency ends. Kareen is the calm pillar holding up Gregor's reign as the Regency shifts around them and dissolves. "So we'll go only for a few days," Alys says. "It'll give Gregor time to remember that you're his mother and you love him." And Gregor won't have any more chances to remind Kareen of her long-dead husband.

"I need to--," Kareen starts. "I need--," and then she's furiously dabbing at her eyes again. Alys rubs Kareen's back. "You won't be able to tell Ivan as planned," she says, voice still not steady. "Gregor's going to do that when he's ready. I'm sorry. I know you wanted to."

Alys has wanted a lot in this arrangement. She's gotten nearly all of it. She has a family and friends and, if she's still a woman who bore Serg's bastard, at least it was far in the past. Having her son's brother tell him their secret isn't too huge a sacrifice. But she knows the fear that underlies it very well. She doesn't know how Ivan will react.

Ivan could reject her over this. And if Gregor is the one to tell him, Alys can't control how he finds out. She can't tell Ivan that he wasn't merely a favor to Kareen, that he wasn't a burden of family honor. Gregor will tell his brother that he was taken away for politics. And she's always told Ivan over and over again to be careful of politics. What will Ivan think of her? How will he react?

And she won't know. Without Kareen's help, Alys won't even see Ivan until Academy graduation. She'll have to wait months to see him in person. She'll have to wait months for anything more than a letter.

And meanwhile, Gregor could be telling Ivan anything.

"Helaere," Alys declares. "We'll leave tomorrow and be back on Wednesday." 

They'll leave this all behind for a few days. They'll give their sons time to talk.

And, when they come back, they'll both still have their families.

7.

In the end, they spend less than three days in Helaere, but Alys breathes much easier for having the respite. Padma knows nothing of what happened, but he's busy at Headquarters with the military concerns for the end of the Regency. He doesn't care at all about the familial concerns for the end of the Regency. As far as he's concerned, everything is as it should be. And the girls are excited that Ivan will be graduating soon. They're furiously debating where he'll be assigned; Louisa is sure that Ivan will have ship duty.

Even before this, Ivan wasn't going to get ship duty. Someone with Ivan's past, with Ivan's politics, isn't going to be allowed too far from the centers of power, for fear he might start accumulating his own. No one will let Gregor's bastard brother wander too far from supervision. And now that Gregor knows that Ivan is legitimate... it will either be something close, or something very very far away and possibly permanent. Ivan won't be getting ship duty.

Alys visits Kareen every day, rummaging through Kareen's schedule for what Alys can lift from her shoulders. She leaves the true Vorbarra matters to Kareen, but there's plenty that clutters Kareen's life that wouldn't be inappropriate for Alys Vorpatril to take over. Kareen is still crying and Alys feels this for the calm in her storm that it is. She won't know how Ivan will react to her until she sees him again. Ivan's letters sound exactly the same as they always have. Alys won't find out if the storm is a hurricane or a spring breeze until she can hold her son again. But Kareen is in the middle of her own storm and so Alys is there to help as she can.

She doesn't see Gregor at all.

8.

The next time Alys sees Ivan, it's the day after he graduates. He'd gone out with some friends after the ceremony and then spent the night with Sasha Vorbretten and his crowd. But he comes home. She'd been so worried that he would never come home.

"Mama," Ivan says, then, horribly, he corrects himself, "Lady--"

"I am still your mother," Alys says fiercely.

There's a rush down the stairs, Marie having heard Ivan come in, and then she's jumping on him, and Ivan is bending down to tell her all about the ceremony, and Alys thinks that, as a welcome-home goes, that's all Ivan needs. He might doubt that he's Alys's son, but he can never doubt that he's Marie's big brother.

"You're still part of this family," Alys says to Ivan later. She knows Padma is waiting to have an officer-to-officer conversation with him about honor and family legacy, but she's convinced him to wait until later in Ivan's leave to drop that on him. Ivan's already had too much dropped on him recently. "That will never change."

Ivan rubs at his eyes. " _Mama_ ," he says, and that's her. That will always be her. Alys will happily share him with Kareen, but she won't lose him to Kareen.

"You have been my son since they put you in my arms," Alys says. "You will never stop being my son."

Ivan nods, as he always does to that tone. Then he hesitates, "Gregor said--"

And Alys waits. She waits to hear what the Emperor said to her son.

But Ivan just shakes his head and then gives her a wan smile. "Papa doesn't know, does he?"

"Nobody knows," Alys says. The number has gone from four to six, but Alys trusts the midwives. Midwives to the Vor wield far more destructive secrets than merely who is a Vorbarra. They know where all the mutations lurk. Alys isn't concerned about their silence.

"Good," Ivan replies surprisingly vehemently. "No one should." And he is her son in that moment, entirely hers. Alys holds him tight.

9.

It takes Alys a few weeks to realize that Padma is tip-toeing around her. The formal, and very unwelcome, acknowledgment of Ivan's paternity has brought up even more filth than there used to be and, for the first time, the girls are old enough to notice it. Padma has always been the man who married someone who slept with Serg Vorbarra and had the child to prove it, but now it's publicly acknowledged. Now it's official.

Padma is, Alys realizes, waiting for Alys to be angry about it the way she always has been. But instead, Alys has been hunkered down for an explosion, for Gregor to make a costly mistake in his growing boldness when it comes to Ivan. Alys is worried, not angry. And so she is confusing her husband, who was prepared to shelter her within the Vorpatril honor and loyalty and is instead stymied by Alys seemingly ignoring the main issue.

Alys is thankful that her husband is distracted enough by the change in the Regency that it hasn't come to a head until now. Alys picks her words and tells him that she's concerned about coups, about flatterers, about someone striking Gregor at the moment of transition. Ivan is a weakness for Gregor. Ivan is a target. Ivan has always been a target, but so has Padma. Padma understands. Few men on this planet could understand what dangers Ivan is facing, but Padma does and Alys is grateful for that. Padma is the only father Ivan has ever known, but Alys doesn't think Ivan has any cause to regret that. Alys doesn't know if Padma was ever disturbed by bastardy, but Padma had given Ivan the Vorpatril name, and Padma has enough honor for that to mean something to him. Ivan is a Vorpatril and Padma is his father; Padma has enough honor that that doesn't teeter even as Padma finds out for certain that Serg is Ivan's father.

Alys supposes that Padma had always known that _someone_ was Ivan's father. It being Serg is not the worst possible choice. Serg is dead, and Serg's son doesn't mind his new brother.

No, Serg's son is far too interested in embracing his new brother. And he's pushing so hard at it.

And it's terrifying. It would take only one word from Gregor to make it all crash down around them. One word, either in carelessness or in calculation. One word to destroy everything. But she can't let the tension show. She can't.

Ivan is her son and nothing will change that, not even Gregor Vorbarra. Nothing. She won't let it.

10.

The bodecins are flowering on Kareen's birthday, bursts of yellow within the foliage. Alys sits in the gazebo with Kareen as the children run around. The girls had been mollified about Ivan's new status by Ivan telling them that they've gained a brother, not lost one, and they've always loved visiting Kareen. Alys has been doing her best to convince them that nothing at all has changed. And for them, nothing important has at all.

There's still a frostiness from Gregor toward his mother. It is less so to Alys, but she can still feel the chill of the Emperor's displeasure. Kareen is bearing up well underneath it, but it's taking a toll on her. Alys can't wait for the day the Emperor sees sense.

"He wants me to have ever regretted doing it," Kareen says.

Alys smiles wryly. If Kareen were the type to regret doing it, she wouldn't have been the type to ever do it. "I imagine he'll have to live with that disappointment," Alys says.

"He thinks it wasn't necessary. He tells me that twice a week, if not more." Kareen shakes her head. "He doesn't understand what his father was. He thinks his life was the only way it could have gone, that Serg was always going to die. I can't make him understand."

"Do you want Padma to talk to him?" Padma wasn't privy to Serg's worst, but he knew those who were. Padma knows enough. And if Gregor chooses to tell Padma, then Alys will live with the consequences. "If he doesn't believe you about Serg's proclivities, maybe Padma could convince him."

"Oh, he believes me," Kareen says. "But for him, his father died when he was four. I can't make him understand that his father could have outlived us all and, if he'd had his way, likely would have. Ivan seems to be taking it better."

"Ivan's talked to Padma," Alys says. Padma's lectures for Ivan had grown to encompass a great deal ever since Ivan's paternity was confirmed. Padma's been at pains to treat Ivan as his own son while at the same time acknowledging what Ivan's other father had done. Even Alys hadn't heard some of those stories before. Vorrutyer and Grishnov had buried much. "If nothing else, Ivan knows what Serg's legacy could have been."

After all, Padma hadn't proposed to her until after Serg had died; Padma hadn't been sure he would survive either and he wasn't going to drag Alys and Ivan down with him into that grave. Padma knew well enough what could have happened and what nearly did. There were worse men Alys could have married.

In the beginning, Padma had offered to acknowledge Ivan as his own son and accept any censure for abandoning his lover and his son for years. Alys wonders now what might have happened if she'd let him. She hadn't wanted to lie about who Ivan's father was, but maybe this could have been avoided if the boys had grown up always knowing that Ivan was Padma's son, not Serg's. But then this might have been worse, especially for Ivan. No, she was right back then. Better for Ivan to learn that he was right about who his father was than for him to learn that neither of his parents were the ones he'd been born to.

Ivan's gone through more upheaval this year than Gregor has, but he's far more steady about it. But that's because Ivan knows how to live an unsteady life. Gregor's life has been steady since the end of the Pretendership. He never had to live through half of what Ivan has had to endure with a smile. Ivan's had to live with the consequences of being Prince Serg's bastard. Of course he has a different perspective on this. Ivan sees what he's gained; Gregor can't see beyond what he'd lost.

Across the garden, Ivan picks up Sonia and lifts her over his head, giving her enough reach to throw handfuls of dirt on top of the Emperor, who grins.

"I think Gregor learned the wrong lesson from what happened with Count Vordarian," Kareen says. "At the time, I was relieved that it only left nightmares and those stopped after a few months. But I think it taught him the wrong lesson. He learned that things will always turn out well, and, thanks to Lord Vorkosigan, nothing that's happened since has taught him otherwise. Ivan never learned that, I don't think."

"No," Alys says, "he hasn't."

"Maybe they'll balance each other out," Kareen says, watching Gregor tackle Ivan to the ground. They're both laughing. From here, they're identical. The slight height difference, Ivan's bulkier frame, and Gregor's pitiful attempt at a beard are erased for now. But when they get up, one of them will be the Emperor and the other will not be a Vorbarra.

That's what they did to their sons. They separated them and no matter how the twins try to come together again, it can't erase what they did. And they only did what was necessary, what Serg and Ezar made necessary. Kareen had saved both her sons. Alys hopes, for Kareen's sake, that Gregor eventually comes around, but even if he doesn't, that doesn't erase Kareen's victory. They have two sons who survived, who love each other, who chose each other as their brother. It's a future that Alys could never have hoped for when she fled with Ivan. It's a future she never could have seen before Serg died.

How could she ever regret this?

**Author's Note:**

> [this post on dreamwidth](https://lannamichaels.dreamwidth.org/1120932.html); [this post on tumblr](https://lannamichaels.tumblr.com/post/617945804526829568/the-emperors-brother-5843-words-by-lanna)


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